


I Will Go To You

by jinchabinu



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 07:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14869341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinchabinu/pseuds/jinchabinu
Summary: You’re strong. You have always been strong. You would have been able to handle the pain much better than I have. You would have stayed living in this house. And I would have left.Maybe the truth is that I’m the selfish one. But I’m not even sure anymore.I’m tired. I’m so tired. And I may not know where you are exactly at this moment, but I would like to know that you’re not lonely.But if you are lonely, I want to know. Because if you are, I need to know.





	I Will Go To You

They were happy. They were truly happy.  
  
They had met during their early years of college and had immediately clicked. They became best friends and shared their happiness, their fears, their hopes for the future. After knowing each other for many months and considering each other best friends, they finally decided to act upon their true feelings. They both knew that they cared about each other beyond just friendship. They began dating and every day was accompanied by those butterflies in their stomachs. They would smile and stare at each other with sparkly eyes and so much love. So much love was held within their sleepy gazes when they stayed up late studying and finishing homework. Once graduation was approaching, they both knew that they would continue being together no matter what.   
  
And that’s exactly what happened.   
  
They made their plans with the other in mind. They moved into a small, cozy place together, while their workplaces were relatively close to their home. Their college friends stayed in the same city and would often come over to their house. On weekdays, they would come home tired from work and would talk about anything and everything as they embraced each other in bed. On Saturdays, their friends would come over to trash their house and empty their refrigerator and cupboards of all food in sight. On Sundays, they would quietly clean the house and would spend most of the time snuggled up on their couch watching some cheesy drama they were caught up on. It had become a routine and they were completely happy with how things were going.   
  
They knew that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. And after 5 years of dating, they decided that they wanted to get married. They knew that they didn’t need a certificate to prove their love, but they wanted to do it anyways. Their friends were overjoyed and decided to celebrate for a week straight, which consisted of alcohol and a lot of food. Their parents were excited. But most of all, they were happy.  
  
They were happy. They were truly happy.   
  


* * *

  
He falls. He cries. He yells.   
  
Heart-wrenching sobs overcome his body and disrupt the silence of the room. He pushes his way through, breaking everything in his way. He walks without any direction of where he’s headed. He walks from one room to the next while everything around him blurs more and more.   
  
He wants to forget. He really does want to forget, but it’s impossible.   
  
The memories are all still there. He doesn’t know what else to do with himself. He no longer has a routine. He no longer feels that sense of familiarity when he walks through the front door. He walks into an empty house. An eerily quiet house.   
  
He has no one. No pets. No plants. He’s the only living being in that house, but it doesn’t really feel that way.   
  
He no longer lives. He no longer has happiness. How can he be happy when he sees the pictures adorning the walls. There’s empty spots on the wall where more pictures were supposed to be hung up to continue the story that was being told. He can no longer bear to see the pictures up, so he takes those memories off the walls. With shaky hands, he carefully places the broken pieces of his heart in a box and closes it once he’s sure that there’s no more evidence on those walls. No more evidence that he was once happy.   
  
It’s difficult.   
  
He cries as he tries to get on with his life. He goes to work and forgets for a moment while he’s busy with piles and piles of paperwork. One night when he’s on the phone with this parents checking up on him, his dad makes a comment to his mom which was not intended for his ears. He hears his dad say that he’s still young and can start over later and find someone new. Although his dad’s comment is the result of worry and concern for his son, it is not something he wants to hear.   
  
He knows he doesn’t need anyone else. As lonely as he feels, he knows he can no longer love the same way again. There is no one else for him.   
  
He falls. He cries. He yells. He begs for _him._ He wants _him._ Only _him._  
  


* * *

  
Dongmin is trying. He really is trying.   
  
He’s been trying for a year and a half now. He’s smiling now. He’s going outside on long walks with his friends. His friends are inviting him over for movie nights and dinner. He’s laughing at the lame jokes and pranks his friends are pulling on each other. While spending time with him, his friends are making sure that he’s taking care of himself and eating properly.   
  
He’s working long hours and is once again falling back into a routine. His friends are giving him more time alone, since he is no longer posing a threat for himself. His parents are calling him and laughing with him over something dumb his dad is saying or over something he’s breaking in the background.   
  
He’s smiling. He’s no longer crying.   
  
But he’s lying.   
  
He’s lying right now and has been lying for the past year now. Although he’s smiling, he’s feeling nothing. Yes, his life is being put back together on the outside, but none of it matters.   
  
He’s walking through that front door like always. He’s closing the door and soon enough, his vision is getting blurry.   
  
He’s falling. He’s crying. He’s yelling. He’s wondering why he’s still feeling like this.   
  
Dongmin is trying. He really is trying.  
  


* * *

  
But he fell. He cries. He’s yelling. 

Soon enough, his friends catch onto his lies and cry along with him. They hold onto him and rub his back comfortingly, while they hear and see his heart shatter with every passing second. They feel guilty that they weren’t able to see through his lies and empty smiles sooner. They only caught on when they decided to visit him without telling him beforehand. When they arrived, they noticed that the door was left unlocked, so they invited themselves in. Once inside, they immediately realized that everything was not okay. He had been lying to them this whole time.   
  
His house was trashed. The sofa was pushed to the side and pillows were thrown on the floor. Multiple books were scattered throughout the living room. The lamp was fortunately not broken, since it had landed on the sofa.   
  
In the middle of it all, he lay on the floor with a picture frame cradled in his arms. The other photos were neatly placed in front of him. These pictures all held _their_ story. _Their_ smiles and laughter. _Their_ life. _Together._  
  
His friends cried at the sight of his broken self laying unmoving on the floor. They gently moved him towards his bed and cleaned up behind him. They asked him how long he had been feeling like this. He responded that he had never stopped feeling this way. That he had just learned how to hide it from them. He revealed that this was a normal day in his life and that like always, he had planned on cleaning everything up by himself before they came to visit him later. They told him that it was normal to feel broken and that he should have relied and confided in them. They told him that they felt heartbroken to see him in that state and that they were hurting for him.   
  
He cried again. But this time, he had them to hold onto while he felt like he was being swept away by his pain.   
  
When his parents found out, they cried. Nowadays, everyone seemed to be crying. They immediately went to visit him and stayed with him for over a month to make sure that he would never be alone. They took him to see a therapist where he received a bit more help. The therapist gave him advice and recommended that he release his emotions through a hobby.   
  
So he decided to write.   
  
He wrote and wrote and wrote some more. Sometimes he wrote for hours just retelling the day’s events. Whether he had a lot of work or paperwork to complete. Whether his friends came to visit him or took him out to eat. Whether his parents video called him or simply exchanged texts with him.   
  
But none of it was helping.   
  
So he decides to write to _him_.    
  
He grabs his favorite pen and the nicest stationary papers he can find and begins to write. He writes and writes and writes some more. He lets all of his emotions spill onto those papers and he does not stop writing until he has said everything he couldn’t say before. 

 

 

> _Hello~_
> 
> _I don’t know what time of day it’ll be when you receive this letter so I didn’t say good morning or good night or good evening or good anything. Either way, I couldn’t really say it since I don’t actually mean it… Nothing really feels “good” right now. “Good” is actually such an understatement. Not to make you feel guilty, but I feel miserable. I can’t stop crying. I haven’t stopped crying since you left me. You left me. You left me almost two years ago. I can’t stop replaying our last conversation from the day you left me. It still hurts. Everything you said to me was a lie. You lied to me. And I believed you. God, I believed you so much._
> 
> _But… actually, I lied too. I feel guilty right now, so you should be feeling guilty too._
> 
> _In case you’ve forgotten about me and about our story, let me remind you. My therapist told me to write everything I could think of, so here you go:_
> 
> _I remember it was my second year of college and your first. I remember signing up for that world studies class because it was a requirement, but I actually found the class interesting and was excited to learn about the world in more depth. You, of course, called me a nerd because even though you were in that class for the same reason as me, you were not looking forward to it at all. I said I noticed you the second week of class when I sat in the back row with you the day I was running late, but that was a lie._
> 
> _I actually noticed you the second day of class when I turned around for some unimportant reason I already forgot. You were on your phone texting, so you didn’t see me staring. Even without seeing your face clearly, I could tell that you were a very attractive guy. I didn’t want to admit it to you, but it’s true. I had some sort of weird infatuation with you. I wanted you to notice me, but that would be a bit difficult since you never even seemed to look up from your phone. When we started talking, I found you incredibly adorable with your crescent moon eyes that would appear whenever you would smile. I remember you asked me for my number so that we could study together, since you said you knew no one else in that class. At first I wasn’t sure about your intentions. Even if I did think you were attractive, I didn’t know whether or not you would end up being one of those students that takes advantage of others. But for some reason, deep down I knew you weren’t that kind of person. And I was right._
> 
> _Whenever we wouldn’t be doing homework or studying, we would spend time together after class. Sometimes we would go out to eat. Other times, we would find a random bench and just talk about anything and everything. Soon enough, we became close friends and then best friends. And during that time, I also realized I liked you more than just a friend. I didn’t want to say anything to you, since I had absolutely no idea how you felt. You never seemed to talk about any past relationships, so I didn’t even know if you liked guys._
> 
> _But this all changed when you introduced me to Minhyuk and Sanha. I met them when you wanted me to go with you to the dance studio you and Minhyuk danced at. Sanha was there like always, since his mom never let him walk home alone after school and he had to wait for Minhyuk (I still find that incredibly hilarious and adorable). You told me that they were your high school friends and to be careful around them._
> 
> _I should have listened to you. I’m not even sure how, but I grew so fond of them that they were able to play around with me and my emotions as they pleased. They would give me those disgusting eyes for about 5 seconds and I would immediately give in and buy them snacks. You, of course, would be laughing at me because you had already grown immune to their pleading and disgustingly adorable eyes. I remember one day you had gone to buy the snacks and left me with those demon children. I swear, they immediately pounced on me and devoured me alive. They asked me if I was dating anyone and when I said I wasn’t, they continued with their stream of questions. “If you were to date anyone, would it be a girl?” “A guy?” They asked me so many more questions, but I was bombarded with so many words that I could practically understand none. I do admit, however, that in between all those questions, Sanha asked if I would date you. Minhyuk kicked and pushed him and he shut up immediately. And before I could ask what he meant, you came back. I now had hope that there was a possibility that you liked guys. And most importantly, I had hope that you might someday like me._
> 
> _And that day came sooner than I expected when you met Myungjun-hyung and Jinwoo-hyung. I had met them the year before and we had become close friends. You know I was never the most talkative person, but they made me feel so comfortable. I guess they made me feel a little too comfortable. Because I let it slip that I liked someone. And, of course, they figured it was you. I really didn’t want you to meet them because I knew they would do something incredibly stupid to embarrass me in front of you. But YOU insisted. So you met them and they pounced on you just like Minhyuk and Sanha had done to me. I was scared that you would feel uncomfortable and would distance yourself from me. But that’s not what happened…_
> 
> _All four of them didn’t really need to push us much, since now we both knew that there were some deeper, mutual feelings we needed to talk about. I was afraid that I was going to have to be the one to ask you out first and risk making a fool of myself. But you actually beat me to it and asked me out first. We confessed to each other at the park after the sun had set. It was so cheesy, but you knew how much I loved cheesy._
> 
> _When we told the guys, they were so happy for us and we all went out to celebrate. We were so excited to see where this relationship would take us. I remember how we would go out on dates multiple times a week. Once the next school year arrived, you moved into an apartment down the street with Sanha and Minhyuk who would also be attending college with us._
> 
> _Nothing too dramatic happened the next three years, aside from that dumb argument we had that I don’t really like talking about. After I graduated, I still stayed in the same apartment with Myungjun-hyung and Jinwoo-hyung. Once you graduated, we had decided to move out and find our own place. Myungjun-hyung and Jinwoo-hyung moved into an apartment a few blocks down. Minhyuk and Sanha stayed in the same apartment you guys had shared._
> 
> _And you moved in with me. Remember how we kept saving up so that we could later move into a small house? It was difficult. But we somehow managed through. We found the small, cozy house I’m currently writing you this letter from. We were so excited to move in and make this small place our home. My parents basically helped us with most of our furniture and I’m still grateful for that. If they hadn’t, I’m certain that the guys would have complained about having to sit on uncomfortable chairs and on the floor when we held our weekend game nights. We had a routine going on. You would come home from the studio and would be waiting for me to arrive and make you dinner, since we couldn’t risk letting you burn the house down._
> 
> _I felt so at home with you. This was the place where I didn’t feel alone. The place where I felt at home. And that was with you._
> 
> _I was so happy. And you were happy too. I honestly didn’t see your proposal coming. I should have expected it though. It was on our 5th year anniversary date. That night, we went to that park we confessed at. To be honest, I was getting a bit sleepy and was ready to ask you if we could head back home. But then you immediately woke me up when you kneeled down on one knee in front of me. I’m sure you could tell by my expression, but I was a mess of emotions. I was crying happy tears at your words and you were smiling with those adorable eyes that I fell in love with._
> 
> _I was so in love with you at that moment. I don’t even remember when exactly I fell in love with you, but I did._
> 
> _Everyone was so happy for us. We were happy. We were truly happy._
> 
> _But everything comes to an end, doesn’t it?_
> 
> _We were in the middle of our wedding preparations. I thought everything was going well. We were going to get married and would spend the rest of our lives together. What happened?_
> 
> _Whenever I’m about to sleep, I somehow always replay our last conversation in my head._
> 
> _You lied to me. You said you would stay with me forever, but you lied to me._
> 
> _I honestly want to say I’m okay without you, but then I’d be the one lying. I’m not okay without you. Everyone knows it. I know it. You know it. I really tried. I swear I tried. I wanted to be okay for you. But I keep falling back into this spiral of emotions. I feel lonely. I feel betrayed. I feel so much pain. But most of all, I feel lost without you._
> 
> _After you left, I didn’t know what else to do. The guys tried helping me. Through their own tears, they comforted me. But it wasn’t working. Nothing was working anymore. I wanted to just turn off my mind and completely forget, but I just couldn’t. I could never forget about you, and you know it._
> 
> _When you left me, I left the light on for you that night. I left it on the next night too. And the night after that one. I hoped with my entire heart that you would come back to me._
> 
> _But you didn’t._
> 
> _You know, I still think that you’re selfish. You’re finally at peace, but what about me?_
> 
> _We had our lives ahead of us. We had so much to live for. I had finally found my other half. My soulmate. I had found you and I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. And even though you knew all this, you still left me._
> 
> _I didn’t even get to say goodbye. After all this time, I still can’t forget the last words I said to you. It wasn’t a proper goodbye. I really wish I could go back in time for just one moment. Just so that I could talk to you one last time._
> 
> _But what would I say?_
> 
> _Would I even say anything? Would I instead ask you a question? Would I ask why the house feels the way it does? Would I ask you when you’re coming back? Would I ask you to stay? Would I ask you why you left me here behind?_
> 
> _But it doesn’t matter, because I’ll never get to know what question I would ask. Because I’ll never be able to go back to that moment with you again._
> 
> _Remember how you said that you would grow old with me?_
> 
> _Why would you lie to me?_
> 
> _We had so many plans. We were supposed to be happy forever. Forever! But now I can’t even see anything ahead of me. The whole world is a blur. I’m not even sure if it’s because of my tears or because I’ve given up._
> 
> _You lied to me. You said we would grow old together. But that was a lie. Because now you’re never going to get older._
> 
> _I’m going to get older, but you won’t._
> 
> _When you left me that day, our last conversation was a lie. You told me that you would be back later._
> 
> _But when is later? Why have almost two years passed and you haven’t returned?_
> 
> _I was waiting for you to come back that night, but you never did. And you didn’t come back the night after. Or the night after that. I waited for you for so long. I left the light on in case you had lost your way. In case you were just lost and were trying to find your way back home. Your way back home to me. Your way back home into my arms._
> 
> _I’m not even sure if it hurts me more that I won’t ever be held by you or that I won’t ever be able to hold you. I don’t even care anymore that you lied to me. I don’t care that you’re selfish for leaving me for so long. I want you to come back to me. I need you. Only you._
> 
> _And the worst part is that you didn’t just leave me behind. You left them behind too._
> 
> _I immediately called them when you left us behind. This whole time, I wanted to believe that the only reason why they were crying was because they saw me crying. I couldn’t bear thinking that they missed you too. I was in so much pain and I didn’t want to believe that they were also in pain. If given the choice, I would have taken their pain away from them and suffered it by myself. I was already broken, but they didn’t have to be._
> 
> _I lost you. The love of my life. My future husband. My other half. My soulmate._
> 
> _But they lost you too. Their immature younger brother. Their stubborn personal trainer. Their older scary brother. Their best friend since childhood._
> 
> _We weren’t supposed to conquer the world. Or save its people from evil._
> 
> _No._
> 
> _We were just supposed to build our own world. And protect each other from danger._
> 
> _But I failed. I wasn’t able to protect you. I let you go. And this is why I’m feeling guilty. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn’t you have stayed instead? I could have gone in your place. If you had stayed, you would still be here with our friends._
> 
> _You’re strong. You have always been strong. You would have been able to handle the pain much better than I have. You would have stayed living in this house. And I would have left._
> 
> _Maybe the truth is that I’m the selfish one. But I’m not even sure anymore._
> 
> _I’m tired. I’m so tired. And I may not know where you are exactly at this moment, but I would like to know that you’re not lonely._
> 
> _But if you are lonely, I want to know. Because if you are, I need to know._
> 
> _Maybe you’re lonely because you’re trying to find your way back home, but you’re lost._
> 
> _If you’re lost, let me know. Because if you are, I’ll leave the light on for you to find your way back home._
> 
> _And if you still can’t find your way back home, let me know. Because if you are, it will be okay._
> 
> _You will be okay. And I will be okay. We will be okay._
> 
> _Because if you cannot find your way back to me, I will find you. I will go to you._
> 
>  
> 
> _I will go to you, Binnie._

**Author's Note:**

> I am so very sorry about what you just read... 
> 
> This is my first time writing something and I really need to know what everyone thought about it. I need to know whether anyone even wants to continue reading the next part :(  
> I haven't written it yet, but it should be up by next week? I would like feedback for this part though, so that I know what to write for the next part :)
> 
> I was listening to _You Said You’d Grow Old With Me_ \- Michael Schulte, _Only You_ \- Matthew Perryman Jones, and _To Build A Home_ so I really recommend you listen to those songs if you wish to re-read this part or for the next one!
> 
> If you would like to rant or yell at me, feel free to do so. You can leave a comment or you can find me on my Tumblr (@jinchabinu)
> 
> Thanks for reading and sorry again!


End file.
